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Shew.. just had an amazing workout and the first in a long time. Why is it so hard for me to motivate myself to do this everyday when I know how good it feels afterwards? I always dread it, but the feeling of completion is like no other. It is always a guaranteed mood changer.

This is going to be a tough week and a lot of unexpected changes. I am trying to commit to a new routine in my life, but after so long.. it is so hard to do. Why do we get stuck in horrible routines, but find comfort in them?! We know what it takes to have a healthy life.. exercise and eating healthy.. but why is it so hard to follow that path?! Some of us are swept in addictions or routines that look so tempting and satisfying from the surface and then before we know it are living a life we never wanted. I know I have lived a life I want back again and can find it again. This hope and motivation to write about it is going to help encourage me to step back, find my strengths, and use them to bring back the ‘real me.’ Somehow by writing it and saying it outloud makes me feel more accountable for my actions and will help me stick to a plan. So, this Monday can be a start to the rest of my life.. a happier, more fulfilled life. I Figured It Out -OR- Huh?

patmonahan: I have to admit.. I stayed up so late reading your blogs and was completely blown away. Your depth and intuition are amazing. You have such a huge heart, and I honestly share so much of what you do. I have never responded or even blogged before, but your words really made that much of an impact on me that I felt you should hear how much people really are moved and touched by what you do. We get so lost in our day to day lives and sometimes forget how many people we are influencing and how many are watching us. In response to this last blog about how we treat others the way we do, I feel is a complete result of all the relationships and responses we have gotten from them in our past. If we grow up continually being shut off and not shown affection or love more than likely we grow up not being able to express it or recognize it. If we grow up surrounded by love and support we are more likely to continue in healthier relationships.. the hardest and sadest part is knowing the fines lines of too much or too little and when to break away and when to let go. That troubling age of adolescents and having one true heartbreak can lead to building a huge wall of security and fear of being hurt. Being an adult child of an alcoholic, I have learned to be a people pleasure, almost too independent and unable to trust, and keep a guard up of fear of becoming my father or letting someone in life hurt me the way he has. Although, I was not abused, the neglect and silent addiction hurt more. Now that I am older and much more intuitive, I am able to use that broken relationship to my advantage and help others in similar places. We can not change who we are without facing our deepest problems. We can not heal without accepting and growing from it. I never realized how much his “silent addiction” shaped who I became until recently, and it was honestly like opening a whole new door of relief. So, trying to push our deepest fears and secrets out of way and ignoring them.. will only cause them to sneak up later on. They will stay with you and come out when you least expect it.. (from a previous post) Anyway.. it’s late and I apologize for going on.. but I truly understand and empathize so much of how you feel. I hope you take care of yourself and feel better because your tour was one of the best concerts I have been to! I saw yall in Charlotte, and know you have a ton of true fans waiting to experience the same thing we did! I can’t wait to see you again soon… Take Care!

Years ago I had a great therapist. Her name is Judi. She is a really special person and she was the start of a large transformation for me. I am forever indebted to her. I should call her more often to thank her and give her my love. Anyway, I mention her because I’ve been wondering why people…

Cheers… to letting go.

Well, here I go again. I have to admit… I am not good at finishing things. I have started another blog before and of course, I never finished. I think I only made it a couple entries in.. sad. I never thought of myself as being like that and never wanted to admit it out loud but it’s true. So, here I am again.. I think if I allow myself to write when I want and not everyday, I will be much more successful.

Tonight, I am full of mixed emotions. Over the past year, I have been working hard at trying to take a deeper look at myself and figure who I am. I know that sounds crazy knowing I’ve lived my own life and I should who I am.. but really, get to know yourself on a deeper level. Why I do certain things or why I surround myself with the people I do, etc. I have always focused so much of my attention on fixing other people or helping them with their problems, that I forget to look at myself. Honestly, I have found it to be very difficult to even know the emotions sometimes I experience. I am a person that wears their emotions.. therefore, I would never make a good poker player! I am pretty open about myself and find healing through talking problems out. Next week, I start long days of working during the day and classes at night. I am already overwhelmed just the thought of it. It makes me question of course, if this is really what I want to do. I know it is.. but for some reason, I just have a lot of resentment torwards the next couple years. How depressing is it to dread so much of your future? I need to give myself rewards or something to look forward to to be able to make it through without so much pressure or dread. I think it is the hardest when I am around so many people my age and going to their weddings, or see them building families, etc. and I feel like I am moving no where. I know I am not ready for that yet, but the independence I am. I also know that my lifestyle that I have managed over the past couple years is going to have to go. In a way, I feel that may be giving me a lot of anxiety but relief at the same time. I am ready to give up these habits and start a more “normal” routine, but the thought of letting go of the familiar is kinda difficult. Hence, one of the many reasons I decided to blog again. I think this will help me to release some of these emotions and help me to rest better at night. I am definitely a night owl and don’t do well with getting up early in the mornings and being productive. Ironically, I did really good with early mornings in college and all through grade school, so I hope to pick up that routine again. I know it is much healthier for me. I think this pressure of making me will cause a lot of dread and tension at first, but overall it will do me the most good. I know God has a plan for me and I am trusting him to know this is the path he want me to take.

Everything happens for a reason.. and for that reason, I trust in Him. So.. cheers to a new routine and new start to something far better than the familiar past…

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